Why the Holidays Can Feel So Hard: You're Not Alone
If you're dreading holiday gatherings, bracing for invasive family questions, or feeling a heaviness you can’t quite name, you’re not alone. Holiday stress, anxiety, and grief affect many people, yet we’re sold the idea that this should be the “most wonderful time of the year.”
Let’s talk about why this season can feel so challenging and how to protect your mental health while moving through it.
Why Holidays Trigger So Much Anxiety and Pressure
Many of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that our worth comes from what we do rather than who we are- our job title, relationship status, income, or life milestones.
During holiday gatherings, you may experience those dreaded questions that activate those beliefs…
“So, are you seeing anyone?”
“How’s the job going? Any promotions yet?”
“When are you going to get engaged/ settle down / buy a house / have kids?”
These questions can feel less like casual conversation and more like a performance review of your life.
Over time, this achievement–validation loop creates conditional self-worth: I’m only okay if I’m successful, partnered, productive, etc.
The holidays amplify this pattern, often triggering:
Feelings of not being “far enough along”
Shame or embarrassment about where you are in life
Exhaustion from constantly managing others’ expectations
This can also relate to Body Image
Around the holidays, your body can easily become another area where you feel judged or evaluated. When you’re seeing people you haven’t been around in a while, it’s common to encounter unsolicited comments about your looks or jokes about holiday calories or ‘January diets.’
These messages reinforce the idea that enjoying food requires punishment later. This creates a cycle that keeps many people stuck in shame and restriction. If you're trying to move away from diet culture, hearing this constantly can feel like being pulled backward.
These beliefs didn’t start with you. They come from diet culture, family messages, and a society that measures worth by appearance and productivity.
Even “Well-Meaning” Comments Can Still Hurt
Most people don’t mean harm when they comment on your appearance or ask those dreaded questions. But intention doesn’t erase impact. These comments carry hidden messages about what is “acceptable” or desired and reinforces the idea that your worth is tied to how you look & what we do.
The Social Comparison Trap During the Holidays
Social media can make this all feel worse. While you’re sitting in a tense family living room or spending the day alone, your feed fills with:
· Perfectly curated holiday photos
· Matching pajamas and big smiling family dinners
· Engagements, pregnancy announcements, and life updates
It’s easy to internalize: Everyone else is happy. What’s wrong with me?
What you’re not seeing in those photos: conflict, grief, disconnection, complicated family dynamics, and the pressure behind the scenes. Curated images don’t reflect the full emotional reality, yours or anyone else’s.
Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family
Boundaries are a form of self-respect. During the holidays, they’re often the difference between feeling completely drained and feeling grounded enough to get through.
You might also feel conflicted about setting them. You can want to protect your peace and not disappoint your family. Both can be true at the same time.
Some ways boundaries can look in real life:
1. Conversation Redirection
Boundaries don’t always have to sound polished or “therapy-perfect.” Sometimes they look like simple redirection:
· “I’d rather not talk about that right now. How’s your work going?”
· “I’m taking a break from talking about my job. What have you been up to?”
2. Time Boundaries
You can limit how long you stay:
· “We’re going to come by for a few hours.”
· “I’ll join for dinner, but I won’t be staying late.”
Having an exit strategy can reduce anxiety going in.
3. Digital Boundaries
You can also set boundaries with your phone:
· Take a social media break during peak holiday days
· Notice how you feel before and after scrolling
· If you feel more anxious, lonely, or irritable, that’s data & adjust accordingly
4. Emotional Boundaries
You can care about your family and still protect your emotional space. That might mean:
· Sharing less detail about your personal life
· Letting go of trying to change how others see you
· Remembering: you don’t owe anyone full access to your inner world
· Taking strategic breaks when you notice activation: When you feel irritability, tightness in your chest, or the urge to snap, excuse yourself ("I need to use the bathroom" or "I'm going to get some air”)
Processing Difficult Holiday Emotions
Holiday grief, disappointment, and anger are completely valid.
These emotions often intensify during this season because holidays function as emotional mirrors—they reflect back what we've longed for, what we've lost, and what we're still learning to accept. Specifically, holidays magnify:
Idealized families we never had
Needs that went or still go unmet
Earlier versions of ourselves we’ve outgrown
Unavoidable reminders of time, loss, change, and shifted family roles
We often carry deep hopes and idealized visions into the holidays. When reality doesn’t line up, whether it’s conflict at the table, loneliness, or emotional distance, the disappointment can feel heavier than usual.
Give yourself permission to:
· Name your losses before gatherings (relationships, people, versions of your life you imagined)
· Acknowledge mixed feelings. You can love your family and still feel hurt, angry, or disappointed
· Remember that holiday emotion spikes are temporary intensifications, not permanent truths about your life
You’re allowed to feel both grateful and sad. Both connected and lonely. Human emotions are layered, especially this time of year.
Holiday distress is not a personal failure. It’s a response to:
· Real cultural pressure and “perfect holiday” narratives
· Complex family dynamics
· Shifting roles as we age
· Old wounds that get reactivated in familiar environments
If you’re noticing increased anxiety, dread, or depressive symptoms around the holidays, therapy can help you:
· Understand the deeper roots of your reactions
· Build more flexible boundaries
· Explore your grief and anger without judgment
· Create coping plans for specific gatherings or conversations
You don’t have to navigate this season alone. Your emotional well-being deserves to be prioritized during the holidays, and every other time of year.